The Four Corners of Gentle Parenting: Empathy, Respect, Understanding, & Boundaries
- Empathy: Parenting with your child’s feelings in mind as much as possible. Using empathy to gain insight into your child’s behaviour and to decide what action you should take in response. The key here really is thinking “Would I like it if somebody did this to me?” if the answer is “No”, then why would you do it to your child?
- Respect: Respecting your child as much as you would respect an adult. Respecting their likes and dislikes, their individual differences and their opinions and thoughts. Children are real people – just like us. If we want them to respect us, then we need to respect them.
- Understanding: Aiming to understand our children’s behaviour and communication. Importantly understanding what is normal for the child at any given age, physiologically and psychologically speaking and resetting your parenting expectations based upon these norms. Gentle Parenting is also about understanding others and not being judgemental of their parenting choices, even if they differ from your own.
- Boundaries: Gentle Parenting is not permissive parenting. Children do not always ‘get their own way’, parents do not say 'Yes’ all of the time. In fact often they can be more strict, with more boundaries in place than others. There is no point in having boundaries however if you do not consistently enforce them. These limits give children a sense of security and they are vital.
There are no rules to follow, no ‘how to’ lists and no exclusions. It doesn’t matter if you bottle feed, give birth by elective C-Section, use a buggy and your child sleeps in a cot in their own room. Just as it doesn’t make you a ‘gentle parent’ if you breastfeed until 3 years, homebirth, babywear and bedshare. These ‘tools’ are irrelevant, they don’t define the conscious actions and thoughts behind your parenting. Your age, gender, social class, education level, hobbies, green credentials and how you chose to keep your child healthy (vaccinate or not, conventional medicine or complementary) are also irrelevant, they too do not define the thoughts behind your actions. It is not about how you wean your baby, or what type of education you chose. It is not new, it is not trendy. Gentle parents come from all walks of life, all ages, all ethnicities and most don’t even realise that their style of parenting would fall under this banner, it’s just the way they have always been. Gentle Parenting is a way of being, it is a mindset, not a label or a rule book.
- More Info: http://www.gentleparenting.co.uk/what-is-gentle-parenting/
Positive Discipline
These Parenting styles incorporate the "golden rule" of parenting; parents should treat their children the way they would want to be treated. Positive discipline is an overarching philosophy that helps a child develop a conscience guided by his own internal discipline and compassion for others. Positive discipline is rooted in a secure, trusting, connected relationship between parent and child. Discipline that is empathetic, loving and respectful strengthens that the connection between parent and child, while harsh or overly-punitive discipline weakens the connection. Remember that the ultimate goal of discipline is to help children develop self-control and self-discipline.
The Dangers of Traditional Discipline
- Instilling fear in children serves no purpose and creates feelings of shame and humiliation. Fear has been shown to lead to an increased risk of future antisocial behavior including crime and substance abuse.
- Studies show that spanking and other physical discipline techniques can create ongoing behavioral and emotional problems.
- Harsh, physical discipline teaches children that violence is the only way to solve problems.
- Controlling or manipulative discipline compromises the trust between parent and child, and harms the attachment bond.
- It is a sign of strength and personal growth for a parent to examine his or her own childhood experiences and how they may negatively impact their parenting, and to seek help if they are unable to practice positive discipline.
- Positive discipline begins at birth. The bonds of attachment and trust that are formed when parents consistently and compassionately respond to an infant's needs become the foundation of discipline.
- Positive Discipline involves using such techniques as prevention, distraction, and substitution to gently guide children away from harm.
- Help your child explore safely, seeing the world through his eyes and empathizing as he experiences the natural consequences of his actions.
- Try to understand what need a child's behavior is communicating. Children often communicate their feelings through their behavior.
- Resolve problems together in a way that leaves everyone's dignity intact.Understand developmentally appropriate behavior, and tailor loving guidance to the needs and temperaments of your child.
- Children learn by example so it's important to strive to model positive actions and relationships within a family and in interactions with others.
- When parents react in a way that creates tension, anger or hurt feelings, they can repair any damage to the parent-child relationship by taking time to reconnect and apologize later.
This list is not all-inclusive, and some techniques described may not be suitable for children of a particularage or temperament. Please contact an API Leader near you for more information on these tools.
- Maintain a positive relationship
- Use empathy and respect
- Research positive discipline
- Understand the unmet need
- Work out a solution together
- Be proactive
- Understand the child's developmental abilities
- Create a "yes" environment
- Discipline through play
- Change things up
- State facts rather than making demands
- Avoid labelingMake requests in the affirmative
- Allow natural consequences
- Use care when offering praise
- Use time-in rather than time-out
- Use time-in as a parent, too
- Talk to a child before intervening
- Don't force apologies
- Comfort the hurt child first
- Offer choices
- Be sensitive to strong emotions
- Consider carefully before imposing the parent's will
- Use logical consequences sparingly and with compassion
- Use incentives creatively with older children
Articles on Spanking
- "How Spanking Harms the Brain"
- "10 Reasons Not to Hit Your Child"
- "Spanking Children Slows Cognitive Development and Increases Risk of Criminal Behavior"
- "Study Links Spanking Kids to Aggression and Language Problems"
- "Spanking the Gray Matter Out of Kids"
- "The Case Against Spanking"
- "The Long-Term Effects of Spanking"
- "What's the Problem with Spanking?"
Christians and the Spanking Issue
- "Spare the Rod: the Heart of the Matter"
- "Spare the Rod..."
"5 Myths of 'Biblical Spanking'"
http://jonathanmerritt.religionnews.com/2014/10/03/5-myths-biblical-spanking-taking-text-literally-land-jail/
- "Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me: Christians and the Smacking Controversy"
Websites
http://www.naturalchild.org/articles/gentle_guidance.html
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting
http://www.gentleparenting.co.uk/
http://www.mothering.com/
http://www.naturalchild.org/
http://www.ahaparenting.com/
http://www.positiveparentingconnection.net/
http://thegreenparent.co.uk/
http://caffeinatedmama.net/mama-blog/what-is-gentle-parenting/
Books
"Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves" - Naomi Aldort
"Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane)" - Gavin de Becker
"The Five Love Languages" - Gary Chapman
"Playful Parenting" - Lawrence J. Cohen
"How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" - Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
"Kiss Me!: How to Raise Your Children with Love" - Carlos González
"Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids" - Sura Hart & Victoria Kindle Hodson
"Giving the Love That Heals: A Guide for Parents" - Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt
"The Natural Child: Parenting from the Heart" - Jan Hunt
"The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline" - L.R. Knost
"Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting" - L.R. Knost
"Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages" - L.R. Knost
"Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood" - L.R. Knost
"Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason" - Alfie Kohn
"Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic" - Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
"Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting" - Janet Lansbury
"No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame" - Janet Lansbury
"Connection Parenting: Parenting Through Connection Instead of Coercion, Through Love Instead of Fear"- Pam Leo
"Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting" - Laura Markham
"Hold on To Your Kids" - Gordon Neufeld
"Attached at the Heart: Eight Proven Parenting Principles for Raising Connected and Compassionate Children" - Barbara Nicholson
"ToddlerCalm: A Guide for Calmer Toddlers and Happier Parents" - Sarah Ockwell-Smith
"Nonviolent Communication" - Marshall Rosenberg
"No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind" - Daniel Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson
"The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind" - Daniel Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson "Our Babies, Ourselves" - Merideth Small
"The Science of Parenting" - Margot Sunderland
"What Every Parent Needs To Know: The Incredible Effects Of Love, Nurture And Play On Your Child's Development" - Margot Sunderland
***Check out our Attachment Parenting Resource File too: https://www.facebook.com/notes/hippie-mamas-of-missouri/attachment-parenting-info/1476670512639203
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